Familie ist Solidaritätsgemeinschaft

Alle Umfragen beweisen es: Junge Leute sehnen sich nach der großen Liebe, die ein ganzes Leben lang hält. Trotzdem schaffen immer weniger junge Paare den Gang zum Traualtar. Zu oft haben sie bei anderen gesehen, dass es schiefgehen kann.

Dominik Schwaderlapp, der junge Generalvikar von Köln, begleitet seit vielen Jahren junge Paare und kennt ihre Hoffnungen, aber auch ihre Sorgen. "Für immer Ja" ist ein Buch der Ermutigung, das allen Heiratswilligen sagt, wie es geht, wenn man mehr will als eine unverbindliche Beziehung auf Zeit."Für immer Ja" ist zugleich ein idealer Vorbereitungskurs für junge Leute, die kirchlich heiraten und sich intensiv auf eine Partnerschaft vorbereiten möchten, die im Glauben an den Gott der Liebe verankert ist.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury launched Britain's National Marriage Week on Monday with a defence of marriage as a mutual, life-long commitment of a husband and wife that gives society and children stability and security. "That's what marriage is about, and ling that kind of unconditional being there, that sets the foundation of stability, trustworthiness, which allows children to grow up confident that whatever goes wrong, for them, in them, through them, there's something beyond that to hold them, to give them room, time, space, fresh air, to grow," said Dr Rowan Williams.
The tragic thing about so many social situations was "fundamentally a level of anxiety and abandonment among so many people who don't and can't believe that there's anybody truly there for them; who don't believe there's anything trustworthy, apart from those transient and fraught, intense and violent relationships" found in gang culture and the like. "If that's the only kind of stable background people know, well we can expect the disasters that we see."

Dr Williams praised the millions of ordinary people today and in the past who simply got on with marriage. He criticised commentators who treated the social and moral achievement of previous generations as though they had been wasting their time.

"And that's of course one of the sad things about some of the debates we have about marriage these days; that a great deal of the running is made … by people who don't perhaps fully see how much they are trading off the inherited capital of a stability and yes, a prosaic heroism that's evolved over generations. And the fluidity and changeability of relationships and the transience of marriage may look perfectly fine if you belong to the commentating classes of north London, but you don't have to go very many miles to see what the cost is for people who can't take that sort of thing for granted." ~ Telegraph, February 5

Most Americans these days agree that couples should stay together only so long as both parties love each other. That should you fall deeply and irretrievably in love with someone else, you owe it to yourself to follow your heart. That you shouldn't remain in an unhappy union purely for the sake of the children. Marriage, the thinking goes, should entail joy and mutual self-fulfillment.

Yet there's a hitch--so to speak. When characters in film or fiction act on these precepts, the audience usually disapproves. Why is that?

In our private lives, we consider it our right to leave even long-term relationships if we're miserable; with imaginary people, we apply the stricter, fustier mores of the 1950s. So, deep down, might Americans still prize loyalty over the pursuit of happiness?

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There are many happily married people around and the world needs to hear from them, says a well-known radio host.

Dr Greg Popcak's enthusiasm for marriage leaps off the pages of his website. The American family counsellor and popular Heart, Mind and Strength radio host insists that even today, when there seems to be so much against it, a couple can live happily ever after together. But it takes work. If it's comfort you want, he says, "don't get a marriage license, buy a Barcalounger." In this interview with MercatorNet, he talks about how to attract young people to marriage, the blessings of parenthood and what it takes to have an exceptional marriage.


MercatorNet: Why are young people delaying marriage? What could warm them up towards marriage and children?

Greg Popcak: Most of the research I've seen on this suggests that young people are afraid that life-long marriage isn't possible. They don't have s for it. They don't know how to do it. In fact, their experience says it's a pipe dream.

As for warming them up to the idea of marriage and children, I would say that it's up to the happily-marrieds. People who are married have a two-fold obligation. First, they need to commit to constantly working to make their marriage and family even stronger. Second, they need to be willing to share their positive, hopeful experience of marriage with others. They need to overcome their fear of setting themselves up as an example. We need examples. I think that married people standing around the water cooler unnecessarily complaining about their spouse and kids just to "fit in" does almost as much to undermine the culture of marriage as anything else. Seeking support is one thing. Needless complaining is another. If a couple or family needs help, then by all means get it, but if you're happy in your marriage and love your kids, the world needs to hear from you.

MercatorNet: Do courtship and engagement play an important role in determining what life after marriage will be like?

Popcak: It depends on what a couple does with it. If their entire focus is having fun and planning the wedding party--which is more common than you think, then no. Courtship and engagement will not prepare a couple for marriage. But if a couple treats their courtship and engagement as a serious time of discernment, and thoroughly examines their beliefs about children, money, faith, careers, household management and the like, they will have a leg-up on their less thoughtful counterparts.

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W. Bradford Wilcox and Steven Nock recently tackled this question in an article, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?,” published in the March 2006 issue of Social Forces, one of the leading journals of sociology in the U.S. The article has attracted a great deal of media coverage—in venues as varied as The New York Times, NBC's The Today Show, Slate, and National Review Online. This website summarizes the study’s key findings and offers resources to women and men interested in learning more about successful marriages.

The "Ten Principles on Marriage and the Public Good" are the result of scholarly discussions that began in December, 2004 at a meeting in Princeton, New Jersey, sponsored by the Witherspoon Institute. This conference brought together scholars from History, Economics, Psychiatry, Law, Sociology and Philosophy to share with each other the findings of their research on why marriage is in the public interest. A consensus developed for sharing the fruit of their collaboration more widely.

The Witherspoon Institute is an independent research center located in Princeton, New Jersey. It is not connected to Princeton University, Princeton Theological Seminary, The Center for Theological Inquiry, or the Institute for Advanced Study.

Marriage is best for bringing up children, says Tory study
By Graeme Wilson, Political Correspondent
(Filed: 07/09/2006)

Marriage is the best environment to raise children and offers the greatest chance of a stable upbringing, an independent study commissioned by the Tories reveals today.

Unmarried parents are up to five times more likely to experience family breakdown, according to the survey of 15,000 families carried out for the social justice policy review group headed by Iain Duncan Smith, the former Tory leader.

The findings will put intense pressure on David Cameron to offer voters a cast-iron guarantee that he will put marriage at the heart of Tory policies on the family.
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Some of the Conservative leader's advisers want him to tone down the party's support for marriage because they fear the party risks alienating support from unmarried families.

But the study said that such a strategy was misguided. A statement from Mr Duncan Smith's policy review said: "By tacitly promoting cohabitation and undermining marriage, policy-makers are exposing more children to the perils of family breakdown, reflected in higher levels of crime, anti-social behaviour, education failure and mental and emotional disturbance."

The study was carried out by Harry Benson, who is director of the Bristol Community Family Trust, which carries out research into parenting and relationships.

The findings are based on a study of 15,000 mothers who gave birth during 2000-01 - the so-called Millennium Cohort Study. It found that cohabiting couples were twice as likely to experience a family breakdown during the early years of parenthood than married couples of a similar income.

When the sample was expanded to include all unmarried couples — including those cohabiting and "closely involved" — family breakdown is five times more common than among married couples.

Almost 3,000 of the women involved in the study had become lone parents during the first three years of their child's life.

However, analysis of the figures reveals that six per cent of married couples had experienced a family breakdown compared with 32 per cent among all unmarried couples. When the unmarried figures are broken down, they show that 20 per cent of cohabiting couples experienced breakdown while the figure among "closely involved" couples was 74 per cent.

Evidence from the study suggests that the low breakdown rates among married couples can be explained by a range of factors including commitment, fathers playing a greater role in their children's upbringing and better communication.

Mr Duncan Smith said that the study offered compelling evidence that marriage must be the basis of Government policy to tackle family breakdown.

"This is a serious study and will help the policy group establish the causes of the UK's very high levels of family breakdown," he said. "What is particularly interesting is the way the report shows that the Government's assumption that children's outcomes are solely dictated by socio-economic factors is wrong.

"The structure within which they grow up and are nurtured is vital to their well-being.

"The Government's corresponding attempt to airbrush out references to marriage from family research is a form of censorship."

His message was underlined by Mr Benson.

He said: "Family breakdown leads adults and children into poverty and other social problems.

"Our study shows that it is not enough to say that families split up because of their circumstances. Any Government that wants to reduce poverty and inequality for both children and adults alike has to address the issue of marriage and what it is that makes marriages work better than the alternatives."

Angela Sibson, the chief executive of Relate, the relationship counselling service, said that she welcomed the report.

She said that Labour's neglect of the "couple relationship" had seriously undermined the Government's efforts to improve life chances.

"Good relationships are more likely to lead to marriage — or lifelong cohabitation — than bad ones," she added.

Newswise — People who never marry have the greatest chance of an earlier , reveals a study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

The findings are based on national census and certification data, involving almost 67,000 s in the USA between 1989 and 1997.

In 1989, almost one in two of the sample were married, and almost one in 10 were widowed. Around 12% were divorced and 3% were separated. Of the remainder, 5% were cohabiting, and one in five had never been married.

Unsurprisingly, older age and poor health were the strongest predictors of by 1997, but a surviving marriage was also strongly associated with a longer life.

After taking into account age, state of health, and several other factors likely to influence the findings, those who had been widowed were almost 40% more likely to die between 1989 and 1997. Those who had been divorced or separated were 27% more likely to have done so.

But those who had never been married were 58% more likely to have died during this period than their peers who were married and living with their spouse in 1989.

The never married “penalty” was larger for those in very good or excellent health, and smallest for those in poor health, and it was greater among men than women.

For the younger age group, the primary causes of among those who had never married were infectious disease and “external” factors. Among the middle aged and elderly, the main causes were cardiovascular and chronic diseases.

Never married men were more vulnerable than their never married female counterparts, and never married men between the ages of 19 and 44 were more than twice as likely to die as their married male peers of the same age.

“Risky” behaviours could not explain the differences, say the authors, because the unmarried group were only slightly more likely to smoke than their married counterparts, and they were less likely to drink alcohol regularly. They also exercised slightly more and were less overweight.

The authors say that marriage is a rough proxy for social connectedness, and suggest that never having married may be associated with more severe isolation.

Click here to view the paper in full: http://press.psprings.co.uk/jech/september/760_ch37606.pdf

Die Doppelbelastung von Familie und Beruf überfordert viele Frauen, ihre Partner und ihre Kinder. Ein Kommentar von Marcus Mockler.

München (www.kath.net / idea) „Es wäre doch nicht vernünftig, mein Leben nach den Wünschen einer Sechsjährigen auszurichten.“ Damit rechtfertigt Juliane Kokott, EU-Generalanwältin und Mutter von sechs Kindern, dass sie die ersten vier Tage der Arbeitswoche getrennt von ihrer Familie in Luxemburg lebt. Ihre Tochter Katharina (6) bitte sie immer, zu Hause zu arbeiten – „die sollen dir doch einfach das Geld aus Luxemburg schicken“.

Nun wäre es selbstverständlich falsch, jedem Kinderdrängeln nachzugeben. Das Beispiel der EU-Juristin macht aber eines deutlich: Über das Kindswohl und die Wünsche von Kindern geht man in der Frage, wie sich Berufstätigkeit und Elternschaft vereinbaren lassen, äußerst schnell hinweg. Der Ruf nach Ganztagesbetreuung erschallt aus allen Ecken, da spielen die Bedürfnisse von Kindern, denen eine bunt zusammengewürfelte Truppe von Altersgenossen und Profi-Erzieherinnen werktags Familienersatz bieten muss, keine Rolle.

Stress macht depressiv

Aber wenn man schon nicht mehr über das Kind spricht – vielleicht sollten Frauen wenigstens über ihre eigenen Bedürfnisse sprechen. Tatsächlich folgen immer mehr dem gesellschaftlichen Leitbild der Vereinbarkeit von Familie und Erwerbstätigkeit, weshalb der Anteil berufstätiger Mütter zwischen 1996 und 2004 von 58 auf 64 Prozent gestiegen ist – die meisten allerdings in einem Teilzeitjob.

Die Doppelbelastung bringt die voll berufstätigen Mütter in Stress – und der schlägt bei Frauen viel stärker als bei Männern aufs Gemüt. „Typisch für Männer ist, dass sie bei Stress zu Hyperaktivität und Aggressivität neigen“, sagt Bettine Begerow (Köln), eine Sportwissenschaftlerin, die sich mit der Gesundheit weiblicher Führungskräfte befasst hat.

Gestresste Frauen neigten hingegen zu Depressionen, Ängsten, Selbstzweifeln. Frauen erkranken insgesamt doppelt so häufig an einer Depression wie Männer. Natürlich könnte der Stress auch dadurch entschärft werden, dass die Familienarbeit gerechter zwischen Mann und Frau verteilt wird – aber zwischen Wunsch und Wirklichkeit klafft in allen Gesellschaftsschichten (auch in den „emanzipierten“) nach wie vor ein tiefer Graben.

Was der Ehe gut tut

Für Paare, die ein Leben lang zusammenbleiben wollen, empfiehlt sich ohnehin die traditionelle Aufgabenverteilung: Der Mann reibt sich für das Einkommen auf, die Frau für die Familie. Das jedenfalls schließt der Paartherapeut Wolfgang Hantel-Quitmann aus wissenschaftlichen Untersuchungen und eigener Berufserfahrung.

Es sei nachgewiesen, dass diejenigen, die ein traditionelles Familienmodell lebten, zufriedener seien und dass deren Partnerschaften länger hielten, schreibt Hantel-Quitmann in seinem Anfang des Jahres erschienenen Buch „Die Liebe, der Alltag und ich“ (Herder-Verlag).

Angst vor Scheidung

Allerdings sind die Männer am Drängen ihrer Frauen zurück in den Beruf nicht unschuldig. Viele Frauen sind misstrauisch, ob ihre Ehe (oder Partnerschaft) wirklich ein Leben lang halten wird. Im Falle einer Trennung sind nämlich besonders solche Frauen angeschmiert, die ihren Beruf an den Nagel gehängt haben.

Ihnen bieten sich kaum Chancen, materiell das Niveau zu halten. Wenn es wieder zur gesellschaftlichen Aufwertung der Hausfrau kommen soll, müssen die Männer beweisen, dass sich ihre Vollzeit-Familienfrauen auf sie verlassen können.

Johanna Adorján schrieb am 19.3.2006 in der FAS: "Alles sein sollen, nichts richtig machen können
Was bisher geschah: Seit sich in den sechziger Jahren die Antibabypille durchsetzte und Frauen nicht mehr automatisch schwanger werden, ist das Gleichgewicht aus den Fugen. Zuerst sah alles nach Fortschritt aus. Frauen konnten auf einmal, genau wie Männer, über ihr Leben selbst bestimmen, konnten Berufe erlernen, in diesen Berufen arbeiten, es schien etwas mit Freiheit zu tun zu haben. Langsam setzt die Erkenntnis ein, daß das Gegenteil der Fall ist. Beziehungsweise, daß die Pille Freiheit vor allem für Männer bedeutet. Die können seither folgenlosen Sex haben, der sie jeglicher Verantwortung enthebt. Für die Kinderplanung sind seit Einführung der Pille alleine die Frauen zuständig. Früher hingen beide mit drin, wenn ein Baby entstand - heute entsteht überhaupt nur noch eins, wenn die Frau das entscheidet. Und Männer können kommen und gehen, wie sie wollen. Es bedeutet ja nichts mehr etwas. Die Vorteile sind bekannt. Die Nachteile allerdings gravierend: Denn Frauen haben sich damit freiwillig alles aufgebürdet, und alles allein, Beruf und Familie. Das ist sehr praktisch für den Rest der Gesellschaft, der auch mit Kindern weiterleben kann wie zuvor. Aber für Frauen stellt die Situation, wie sie jetzt in unserem Land herrscht, eine riesige Belastung dar: Alles sein zu sollen, nichts richtig machen zu können, nach der Babypause wieder in den Beruf zu finden, halbtags zu arbeiten, um die Tagesmutter zu bezahlen, die man beschäftigt, um sich nicht wie ein minderer Mensch zu fühlen, der nicht mehr arbeitet und statt dessen zu Hause bleibt und mit dem Kind spielt, wo man doch aber gelernt hat, sich über seinen Beruf zu definieren; später nicht zur Arbeit zu können, wenn das Kind die Windpocken hat oder im Kindergarten alle Läuse haben. Das ist alles zu organisieren und sogar noch viel mehr, wie im eben erschienenen Buch „Die Unmöglichen - Mütter, die Karriere machen” (Diana-Verlag) zu lesen ist."

Frank Schirrmacher schribt in Minimum:

„Menschen müssen Kinder nicht nur aufwachsen sehen, um selber welche zu bekommen, sie müssen Kinder auch erleben, um sie zu lieben. Und sie müssen sie lieben, ehe sie geboren sind, um sie zu wollen. Das zeigen die Ergebnisse einer innovativen Studie mit dem Titel Wann führt die Zuneigung zu Kindern zur Elternschaft?“ (S. 73)

„Diese Rationalisierung der Liebe wird nämlich künftig für viele junge Männer zu einem realen Notstand werden. Die jungen, die in den kommenden Jahren zu Männern heranwachsen, müssen nicht nur weitaus radikaler als die Vorgängergeneration um Bildung kämpfen. Sie werden – auch in einigen Teilen Deutschlands – ganz neu um Frauen kämpfen müssen; ein Umstand, der in einem Land mit notorischen Frauenüberschuss ungewöhnlich ist. Denn selbst wenn in Zukunft viele Männer Väter werden wollten – sie werden mit einer Verknappung der heiratswilligen Frauen konfrontiert sein“. (S. 91)

„Nicht, dass Söhne unzeitgemäß werden, ist die interessante Information, sondern, dass für Töchter eine neue Nachfrage entstanden ist. Söhne sind als Brot – und Geldverdiener wichtige Unterstützter ihrer Familien; trotz mancher Verweiblichungstendenzen hat ihr evolutionäres Erbe sie nicht besonders gut für verwandtschaftliche Fürsorglichkeit ausgerüstet. Söhne können also nicht, was Töchter neuerdings können: schlichtweg alles auf einmal. Töchter können sozial kompetent, fürsorglich und Brotverdiener sein. Durch diesen Zuwachs an Möglichkeiten werden Töchter erstmals in der Geschichte der modernen Gesellschaft universale Funktionen beider Geschlechter ausüben können“. (S. 147-148).